12 DAYS AND COUNTING.....

Today has been a very rough day for me and I am not sure why. I don't know if I am tired, sad that my Mom left, upset that I only see my daughter a few hours every day or so, or just that I am seeing little progress with Cooper; or yet maybe it is because I am on my 12th day of sitting here and am back to not seeing an end to this. Maybe it is everything, I don't know but I would love to just lay in my bed and cry the day away. Instead I will continue to sit here and choke back every tear and wipe away the ones that sneak out. And then I remind myself of those we just met yesterday who have been here 2 months. Who am I to complain?

Cooper's stomach has been very tight and swollen for some time but they felt that with time it would subside however it has not. Today they took an x-ray and it shows that there is quite a bit of extra fluid in his stomach. They have ordered an ultra sound for 8 am in the morning to take another look. It is likely that they will place a tube into the stomach that will drain this excess fluid. This is a minor procedure that they will perform at bedside. Cooper is moving slowly at getting off the ventilator. They have turned down his existing meds and will continue to do so. He is waking more and showing more signs of withdraw. Last night he became very agitated and I stood at his bedside holding his hand and rubbing through his hair from midnight until about 3:30 am. I have a feeling the withdrawal part is going to be very difficult for him. This whole weaning process is frustrating to me. There is no real science behind it and no firm plan, it is pretty much up to whatever doctor and nurse is on duty as to how far and hard they push him. Some are very aggressive while others seem very cautious. Part of me appreciates the caution but you know me, I like the aggressive ones much better. There is nothing about this process that fits my personality and I know it is not about me but you see I truly believe Cooper is me through and through. He likes to be pushed. Those who have pushed him he has not let down. He wants to be awake! Well anyway whatever, there is nothing I can do but continue to stand beside him and comfort him in the few ways I am able.